I was never into comics growing up.
I was, after all, a GIRL. And a downright girly one at that.
So I left the superheroes to the nerds.
Until that fateful day when I decided to marry one.
Since then I have been subjected to so much more of the comic world than I’ve ever wanted.
I now know who Stan Lee is.
I have been forced to watch every episode of Smallville.
I could even tell you the names of all the X-Men.
In essence, I’m a dork-by-association.
Trust me, this is not a title I’m proud of.
However, after spending countless hours at comic conventions evading the awkward glares and drooling from the virginal geeks dressed up as Storm Troopers, I have gained some useful knowledge.
With Number 1 on the list being: Avoid anyone dressed in Star Wars getup. No exceptions.
Other things my exposure to the superhero universe has taught me:
2. I can wear green and orange together and it actually looks pretty cute.
Thanks for the fashion tip, Aquaman!
3. Everyone has a nemesis. And when you defeat one, another usually takes its place.
Right now, mine is the mean lady that works in the babysitting area at my gym.
4. Spending $400 on a fiberglass Power Rangers helmet without your wife’s permission should be considered as reasonable grounds for divorce in a court of law.
Seriously Matt, you look like a green-headed, Mighty Morphin Power… Tool.
5. Power Rangers helmets are good for only one thing: collecting dust.
Can you tell I really hate that stupid thing?
6. If you are ever at a
nerd convention comic-con and you accidentally bump into a table where a heated game of D&D is being played, be prepared to run. For your life. Those geeks take their dungeons and their dragons very, very seriously.
True story, I bumped a table like that once, then fled in a panic to escape the rush of an angry Dungeon Master and his minions. Pocket protectors may have been thrown in fury.
7. Michael Keaton was the best Batman. Ever.
No explanation needed. He wins, hands down.
8. Batman is the best superhero. Ever.
I don’t care what my husband says about Superman. Black rubber is so much hotter than little red undies over tights. And Batman can’t be taken out by little green rocks.
9. Secret identities are important. Especially for safety reasons. Additionally, having an alias can also help keep you out of trouble should you ever commit a crime. And let’s not forget that if you have an “alter ego” you never have to admit that what you really have is a multiple personality disorder, or as I like to call it, “an attack of the Sybils”.
Now you know why my last name isn’t plastered all over this blog.
10. The little girl from Adventures in Babysitting was right. Thor is not a homo. He fell in love with Natalie Portman and promised that he would come back for her after his epic final battle. But like a true douchebag, he didn’t return. Even worse, he didn’t even bother with a phone call. Turns out, Thor is just your typical heterosexual male jerkwad.
Figures. Thor would have been way more awesome gay.