My 17 Days in Hell

I have never been a dieter.

Fortunately for me, I have never needed to be. Up until recently, I had the rare luxury of being a natural beefcake.

Sadly, we all know what happened after I found myself in the family way.

My beefcake turned into, well, just cake.

And while cake is delicious, it doesn’t look all that great sitting on one’s midsection moonlighting as fat.

Ugh. Wiggly Jiggly. No good.

I am two months postpartum now and I am still carrying around an extra five pounds of baby weight. I know that it can take up to a year for some women to get back in shape after a baby, but this has never happened to me before.

I am a freak of nature.

With both of my previous pregnancies I was back to my pre-baby weight by my six-week postpartum visit.

It wasn’t that I gained more weight this time around. I didn’t. I put on a total of 23 pounds with this pregnancy. With my first I gained 23 pounds as well and with my second I gained 19.

Since extra poundage isn’t a reasonable explanation, the only excuse I have left is my age.

So I’m going to jump to conclusions and blame the fact that I’m almost thirty as the reason those five evil pounds keep hanging on.

I’ve already started running again, something I was forced to give up while I was incubating the third heir to our family’s throne. I also have resumed my strength training workout, but even with the exercise I am not seeing the benefits fast enough.

Translation = I still don’t look quite like this:

copyright-suburban princess diaries

I’m pretty close, but still no dice.

In an attempt to jump start things a bit, I took a giant leap of faith and downloaded The 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno onto my Kindle.

For the first time in my life, I was going to go on a diet.

Okay, so technically that’s a lie. When I was pregnant with Bronx back in 2009 I had gestational diabetes and I had to limit my carbohydrate intake.

That diet flopped when I realized that everything tasty is actually a carb. Even when I followed the changes to my food intake, my blood sugar remained sky high, so I was forced to endure daily insulin injections.

That ordeal gave me a newfound respect for diabetics everywhere.

Other than that, I have never been on a diet, so I knew that this 17 day thing was going to be a challenge.

Unless of course, the diet somehow involved consuming Pepsi and Snickers bars for two whole weeks.

I wish I could have been that lucky, but I wasn’t. Snickers bars, as well as every other edible item that I love, were suddenly contraband as I entered into my 17 days in food prison.

Or as I like to call it, dietary hell.

First of all, the diet is not really just 17 days. It’s actually three cycles of 17 days.

Great. So I’m on the 51 Day Diet. This guy should change the book title. It’s misleading.

Oh, and after the 51 days then you go on the “rest of your life” diet where you follow one of the 17 day cycles during the week and the have three meals of whatever you want over the weekend.

Okay. So cross off that 51 days and replace it with “forever”.

The worst part was when I found out that the main staples of this diet are vegetables and water.

I hate vegetables. And we all know how water is my nemesis.

But I was determined to try and I decided to take my Pillsbury Doughboy of a husband along for the ride.

We lasted a whole five days.

Until I realized that I might pass out and die from running everyday without the aid of carbs.

And I really started to get cranky from the low blood sugars.

We modified the diet. We still follow most of it, (which is good because I have literally consumed more vegetables and water in the past week than I have in my entire life) but I get two carbs and at least a tiny bit of something chocolate during the day.

Because seriously, if I have learned anything from this diet, it’s that I cannot live without chocolate.

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