Saying Goodbye.

My grandmother died yesterday.

A little over a week after her 83rd birthday, from complications related to a heart-valve replacement surgery.

My mom was a single parent, and my grandmother lived with us growing up. She helped my mom raise me and my two little sisters.

All of us were extremely close to her. And she was absolutely head over heels for her great-grandkids.

copyright - suburban princess diariesMy grandma with Bronx in 2009

Fortunately, until now, no one in my immediate family has passed away.

So I’m frozen. I have no idea how to act, how to feel, how to grieve. Things feel strangely calm for me right now. I have no idea if that will change. I think I am in shock. I am terrified that it is only a matter of time before I completely lose it.

I used to joke with her that she would outlive all of us. I told her that if nuclear winter hit, it would be her and the cockroaches that would survive.

Up until recently, I totally believed it.

It seems so surreal that she is gone.

But she is.

I don’t really have much faith in the possibility of an afterlife. I think it’s most likely an invention of necessity, created to help comfort the grieving.

If there is an afterlife though, that lady is already starting to work some serious mojo from beyond.

After getting into my van last night to head home, my iPod started playing just the last few seconds of the Counting Crows song, “Colorblind”.

The lyrics went like this:

“I am ready,

I am ready,

I am fine.

I. am. fine.”

So either my iPod is omniscient, or Grandma was trying to tell me something.

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