Then I moped on the couch for about an hour until I came up with a rational solution to my problem. I went online and gave Steve Jobs another couple hundred bucks for an iPod touch. I figured since this one doesn't have a click wheel, I don't have to worry about it breaking this time around. Safe, right?
Not quite. I decided that I should get a screen cover for this one because I was going to be touching it so much and I didn't want to scratch it. I went to an electronics store, got the mother of all screen protectors, paid an installation fee and had someone there put it on. Apparently, it's an aquired skill because three installations later (on the store's dime...not mine) and it still doesn't look right. I'm waiting until it dries to see if it fixes itself, but if it doesn't it's going back and I'm moving on to Plan B (Be careful not to scratch the damn thing.)
It's probably what I should have done from the get go, but I always forget about Murphy's Law and how often it applies to electronics.