What is Twilight Teaching Me?

I was browsing other blogs awhile back, and a fellow blogger had a picture of the Twilight cover along with the message "What is Twilight Teaching Her?" on the sidebar of her site. It seems that some people think Stephenie Meyer is sending the wrong message to the girls that read her books. I don't really care about that whole arguement, but I have given the question some thought, and I would like to share what the famous vampire series has taught me.

1. It is impossible for me to be afraid of anything that sparkles. This means that my fear of vampires is no longer relevant.

2. If two guys fight over you, watch out for the one that loses. He will inevitably become a pedophile and go after your daughter.

3. Puberty can give you body hair and B.O. Or it can transform you into a hot-headed werewolf. Either way, there is fun to be had.

4. It should be illegal to print 754 pages of battle preparation only to leave out the actual battle.

5. If your boyfriend leaves for twelve chapters and promises to leave no evidence of himself behind, check under the floorboards. The piano serenade he composed for you and all the photos will be there.

6. Vampires are smart enough to use a VCR to bait you into a trap. And you, being a human, are dumb enough to fall for it.

7. I'm pretty sure that the fairytale cottage in the woods that Bella and Edward are living in used to belong to Snow White. The dwarfs probably suffered a foreclosure due to the hard economic times.

8. Although they drink blood and are generally thought of as evil creatures, vampires have a solid moral compass that includes waiting to have sex until marriage. How honorable.

9. Bella is a whiny and annoying narrarator. I wish Stephenie Meyer had thought of Midnight Sun first.

10. Even though Edward has a better POV, he's still kind of a douche.

11. If someone really loves you, they'll keep you from making an ass out of yourself in Italy.

12. If a vampire is controlling, it's because he's protective. And if he beats the crap out of you during a romp in the sack, it's not domestic violence. It's just his superhuman strength getting in the way.

13. Vampires are always exceeding the speed limit, but they never get a ticket. If you have a chronic lead foot, this may be the team to join.

14. Your prospective in-laws may like you more if there is a chance that they can drain your delicious blood when the relationship goes sour.

15. Discussing the three phases of cell mitosis is great way to flirt.

16. Red-eyed and pale skinned? This person is not your friend.

17. Teenagers are irritating.

18. Teenage romance is even more irritating.

19. Native American forklore always turns out to be true.

20. Even the undead can knock you up. Use a condom.

As you can see, I've learned some pretty important lessons. I think I'll put on my best flannel and go cook all the men in my life dinner while they watch sports and drink beer. And maybe I'll let some obsessive guy watch me sleep at night in my room and completely control my life...but only if he's, like, really cute.
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